What Am I Feeling?

Yesterday, we laid Eddie to rest. The day was beautiful, filled with the presence of people from every corner of his life who came to honor him. There were stories shared—some I’d heard before, but now told from a different perspective. Faces were finally matched with names, and in between the laughter and tears, I found myself offering comfort to others. Eddie was so deeply respected, and yesterday reminded me that his loss is felt far beyond just me.

As I got dressed, I applied my makeup—my game face. It was time to welcome people, celebrate Eddie, and remain steady. Grief would come later. Yesterday was about honoring his life. I embodied my “Steady Eddie” spirit and, like hosting a gathering in my own home, I greeted guests, guided the service, and kept a steady hand through it all.

My heart is broken—not just for myself, but for his three children and my son, who have lost a father and stepfather far too soon. Yet, together, we carried ourselves with grace throughout the visitation. There were moments we broke down, but we kept going—as Eddie would have wanted.

I have always known I married an incredible man, something I will share more as I tell our story. But hearing the words spoken about him and seeing the sheer number of lives he touched only reaffirmed what I already knew.

Laying Eddie to Rest

In the quiet, our children, nieces, close family, and friends sat as Eddie’s coffin was gently lowered. Watching that moment brought me an unexpected peace. For two weeks, he had been in limbo—first at the county morgue, then at the funeral home. Now, he was finally at rest. And in some way, my heart found a small piece of peace too.

As the evening came to a close, family gathered at our home to do what Eddie would want—continue living. We ate, played games, shared stories, and laughed while reminiscing. When the house grew quiet and I lay in bed, one question echoed in my mind:

“What am I feeling?”